By Samantha Jones

I am sad, not depressed

For a couple of months now I have been feeling low and out of sorts. It’s like there is a black cloud hovering above my head, not allowing me to think straight. This cloud doesn’t allow me to wash, leave the house, tidy up, eat, and get dressed.

Why I don't 'deserve' a depression label *Trigger Warning*

I am sad, not depressed.
I have been seeing many professionals over these past couple of months, they believe I am depressed. However, this title doesn’t belong to me. I am not worthy of this label. It belongs to those that have suffered trauma, lost loved ones and don’t have the things in life of which I have gained recently. I have moved house, learnt to walk again after eight long years and I have also become engaged. Yet all these things mean nothing to me.

I am sad, not depressed.
Nothing has happened around me to make me feel sad and for this I am left confused. Why is this happening? Why is there a dark cloud above me? Why appear when there are so many positives going on? This shouldn’t be happening.

I am sad, not depressed.
I feel ungrateful for saying that the positives in my life mean nothing but that’s the truth. I don’t feel worthy of the positives that are going on in my life. This is a lot harder to deal with than the sadness.

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I am sad, not depressed.
At least I know where I stand with sadness. I know it will be there hovering above my head at all times. That is what I have learnt over these months. I am never on my own. Ok, so it’s not the kind of company I want but I guess it is company. It lingers when I am on my own, it’s there at 2am when I can’t sleep and it’s going to be there tomorrow.

I am sad, not depressed.
I know that I am sad, why else would I be planning my own funeral? I don’t want to exist in a cruel world. Being constantly knocked back down under the dark cloud. Looking for every opportunity to self harm.

I am sad, not depressed.
I don’t deserve to put others through this pain and suffering and as they are treading on eggshells around me, I gain a label of depression. I don’t believe this is the right.

I am sad, not depressed.

Editors note, if you are struggling with similar thoughts or feel you can relate too closely, please reach out for help

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