Happiness is what comes natural to most people. However, when you live with depression it is all too familiar not to get enjoyment out of anything or anyone. The things that used to bring enjoyment, like going out, doing tasks that needed doing around the house and even being alive, no longer bring a smile to my face.
Home no longer resembles a home, now it is four walls where I live. My face no longer resembles a happy, outgoing woman, now it is a withdrawn, sunken and a permanent blank look. The drive I used to have to look good has now disappeared. Pyjamas worn for four days, a wash once a week if I’m lucky and hair tied back, not even brushed.
When I complete a task, I no longer praise myself. I can’t even find the words in my scrambled brain to acknowledge that what I have done is actually a massive achievement. As I get myself into bed, I am not thankful that I survived the day. I wonder whether tonight will be the night that I get taken in my sleep. It never happens. They say only the strong survive but what about the weak? Do we just exist? That is certainly what it feels like.
When another person praises me or buys me something, I hate to say it but I am not thankful or in the least bit happy. It only brings anger towards myself for not appreciating these things. I can’t force a smile anymore as I’m drained, emotionally and physically exhausted. If I do manage to complete a task I set myself, I expect someone to realise what I’ve done is a huge thing. Maybe a simple ‘well done’ or ‘thank you’ from someone else would make me be able to digest that I have actually achieved something. It is unlikely I would get any response though.
Depression doesn’t care how much self loathing it creates, in fact, in its eyes the more the better. This is what I hate so much about depression, I build myself back up from the last episode and then bang I am straight back to the endless self critical person I am today.
You will see that this article has no order, that is a depressed mind for you.