I enquired a while ago, about doing this…. then , well you know, your brain tells you stuff so you don’t bother. However, circumstances of my life and the lives of those around me, have once again conspired to rock my boat.. I simply can’t explain the details of these incidents as yet….
Those of you who are sufferers and professionals, may or may not recognise a manic depressive episode. Please rest assured, I am not new to my illness, I have seen my practitioner and am doing what I need to do. I AM SAFE physically anyways. So I hope I meet all the guidelines and such, because I am in a bit of a really don’t care state.
I just simply need to write, with the hope that some person may get it, and maybe me. I don’t care if it’s published. The true therapy, for me , is in the writing.. it’s also a hurdle, a small one, mentally, I need to overcome.
The never ending story; Can’t possibly start at the beginning, except that I’ve suffered from some form of mental illness, all my life, however was “I dunno, formally diagnosed, about seven years ago, I had been treated previously for bouts of depression.
My Diagnoses… Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Severe Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder and “if such a thing exists” borderline Bi Polar (a suggestion one of the many doctors made, so I don’t know if it’s a real thing even.
So please forgive if I have a lack of knowledge, a lot of professional people have a lot of opinions and it’s difficult to get it right,
So I’m ranting, so yeah, due to a combination of various circumstances I have suffered from a fairly major Brain Explosion… luckily I guess, I’ve been in this place before, I recognise what’s happening, I’ve learned techniques over the years that work. I got myself to medical help I can trust, and family and friends that get that currently I am not OK, however it is through no fault of their own, and they give me the space I need.
Except my partner…. he just doesn’t get it, at all. I made no secret of my illness and treatment etc etc, but I don’t think he has ever actually seen a (full on) episode. I’m trying my hardest to explain as easily as I can, and let him know he has no blame, I just feel I need to apologise for being myself (things have been said, minor really). He doesn’t see that or rather why that upset me?!?!?
So I’m venting.. sorry, best I can do, as I titled, not the beginning, the middle, or the end.
What you have is my, in this moment… So my heart is vulnerable ATM, as is my head.. so what does a smart girl do??? I dunno, because obviously I did the opposite to the smart thing to do. I allowed myself to re-ignite, a long burning flame. Stupid right!!! Yeah well it’s a long term thing, I’m not explaining or apologising for that. Ever to anyone.
Problem is I’ve allowed my heart to fall in love with a man I’ve adored for half my lifetime. He’s in a bad place, I’m in a bad place mentally, but otherwise very comfortable.
OMG I was mad before….. can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t talk to anyone except my doctor. So if you read this, thanks. It helped me just writing it down.
I know what kinda adult gets themselves in this position right?