My Depression…

By Holly M

So how do I begin? How do I put into words what goes on inside in my head? How do I put into words so others will understand? I’m not sure how but here’s my words ……

So aged 18 I had my heart broken for the 1st time….or so I thought but it was the 1st time a GP identified I needed some support. 13 years of counselling later and I am still not “fixed”.

I have had 121 sessions, CBT, life coaching, mind engineer therapy, mindfulness therapy….ive tried it all….but I’m still a “nutter” I’m still an “emotional wreck” I’m still a “pain in the arse” NO I’M NOT……I’m me.

I am Holly…….a girl who will do anything for anyone I care about or even a stranger who is having a difficult time. I am a girl who would give my last penny to my friends and family (that’s why I’m always skint ha) a girl who volunteers not only because it’s good for my mental well-being but also because seeing someone’s smile when you’ve helped them is priceless. Totally priceless! A girl who cries when she is sad, angry, tired and also happy. Cries happy tears when moments are created that will stay with me forever. Cries when I have a special moment with a friend or family member. Cries because i am lucky to have such amazing memories.

I am honoured to have some amazing little people in my life, lucky to create such wonderful memories with these kids. But along with all that comes a girl who is damaged, a girl who worries about being alone, a girl who fears not being loved, a girl who hates her own company. A girl who has worked so hard to overcome and get better around some of these feelings BUT still they exist. A girl who at times has felt the pain is to much and what would be the easiest quickest and painless way out.

I am just a girl. Ok not a simple ” normal” girl but that’s ok. I am a girl who has realised alot of things, I am a girl who has been shown love, I am a girl who is learning. I am a girl sometimes managing but other times struggling to manage my blacks days. Always a girl! Not a monster or cow or bitch just a girl.

Thank you for attempting to understand and sorry it still probably doesn’t make sense (I don’t understand it either.) Xx

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