So I guess I should talk about my mental health. In a lot of ways, my mind is very healthy. I have decent problem solving skills and get straight A’s in honors classes. But just because I’m a good student, doesn’t mean that I can’t suffer from mental illnesses that make school a lot more difficult for me.
I suffer from a dissociative disorder called Depersonalization Disorder (and derealization). Basically this means that I’m CONSTANTLY dissociating.
Most people will experience an episode of derealization or dissociation at some point in their life. It’s the feeling that you aren’t real. Your life feels like you’re dreaming and your mind and body don’t feel connected. Usually these episodes occur after something traumatic has happened (like a death) or when you are high (usually marijuana). It’s like being high without taking drugs sometimes.
However, for me it’s not an episode that lasts a few days. It’s lasted for almost a year. I’ve felt like I’m floating 10 feet above my own head and watching myself live out my life for 9 months. This has caused me a lot of distress.
Sometimes it’s really scary, I actually sometimes believe nothing is real or that I don’t exist. And during those times I have suicidal thoughts and want to just wake up from this dream. But you usually wake up from dreams when you’re about to die right? Well ya, that’s exactly what is going through my head during those days.
I just want to feel real again. It started messing with me in school a lot and I couldn’t concentrate. I hate this feeling. I wish it would go away. People take reality for granted. I almost believe we have 6 senses and the sense of reality is one of them. I have lost my sense of reality. It’s disabling. I just wish I was real again.
If anyone has experienced this or think they have, you can DM me on Instagram if u wanna talk about it. My account is @childofadream . I even named my account that cause I feel like this is all a dream haha…