Am I Alone In This?

By Anonymous

I’m a 42 year old female. I’m not exactly sure when ‘this’ started. Maybe my late 30’s. I’m not even sure what ‘this’ is but I’m always questioning if I’m the only one that feels this way and thinks the things I do.

I become depressed seemingly out of nowhere. What was mildly annoying yesterday becomes a major stressor today. Worrying about my kids and everything else in my life just as I’m trying to fall asleep. So much so, that I just don’t sleep. When I do, it’s only for 3-4 hours at a time and I have the most vivid and almost always stressful dreams of being lost or chased etc.

Replaying situations real or made up ‘what if’ situations over and over in my head. Repeating phrases in my head where I’m literally shaking my head to clear my thoughts! Anxiety attacks triggered by large loud crowds and music.

The thing I’m most ashamed of…at the height of my anxiety attacks, self harm. Questioning if this is the start of a mental breakdown every time ‘this’ happens. What if I can’t shake myself from my irrational, self destructive feelings and actions the next episode!? How far will my own mind push me??

I tried getting professional help but wow do they make it hard. I called many doctors and either they didn’t accept my insurance or because I wouldn’t be able to come every week during regular business hours, it wouldn’t be helpful.

So, here I am. Stuck in a exhausting and worrying cycle of ‘I’m OK’ swinging to ‘What the hell is wrong with me?!’ and back again. I hate being unable to control ‘this’ and hoping I’m not alone in ‘this’.

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