By Jade Burdett
My bond with my Daughter after suffering with PND is the strongest and most powerful bond I’ve ever had. She needs me but I need her too, more than anything in this world.
hen I gave birth it was a blur of medication and pain, looking over at her after she was born I felt nothing. I thought that was due to tiredness and it brings a tear to my eye to write this now, but I was poorly before I even realised – I was protective and nurturing towards her; I tried to breast feed and make sure she was happy and looked after but I couldn’t feel those butterflies that you are expected to have. I tried so hard.
It didn’t work so I knew I needed help, after months of pretending everything was OK – one day I wanted to commit suicide because I thought she deserved better than me. (That was the illness talking). So I got help and was put under a community mental health team where they visited me once every day. I never thought when I was poorly that our bond would be as strong as it is today, but it is and that came naturally. With time and patience, I always wondered when I was poorly why I wasn’t overjoyed with all of this love and affection but now I have that for her a million times over.
If you are a Mum going through the hell of PND just realise change won’t happen over night and it will happen when you are “right” mentally. You will get to share those special moments with your baby and you will feel that sense of love and excitement but you won’t feel it now because you are poorly and you need time to heal and recover.
I never thought I’d be in the position I am now where I’m strong enough that I want to help others and being able to manage on my own as a single parent with mental health issues. I’m not saying it’s perfect now as I still have my down days of self doubt and depression but I am nowhere near as broken as I was and that’s because of self love and consistency with psychiatric appointments and medication. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just want every parent reading this to know that.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here
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