So today was the emergency psychiatric assessment after seeing the GP due to self harm and what not! Whilst they were delightful, they passed off the fact I got up and got dressed and turned up as a good thing. As not succumbing to depression. And while I am sure it was meant as praise, it sounded condescending. Like, ‘Well, you can’t be that ill – look what you’ve done!’
They said: “Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?” I replied: “A wife and a mother.” Then I realised that’s a trick question, that I see myself alive in five years. I retracted quickly and said, “That’s what I would like, but I don’t see it happening.” I had two people; one was very compassionate. The other was nice enough but I couldn’t bond. I wanted to say so much.
Then it came – hitting me like a brick: so a former diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder may be wrong. It could be a Personality Disorder or PTSD or clinical depression. I’M SORRY – WHAT? What is wrong with me? I have had three-four months of feeling like superwoman, racking up £23k of debt, and now I am on such a low I have a suicide plan and I self harm. I tell them all this and feel like they are still trying to convince me I am ok because I planned to go to work tonight (I haven’t gone) and that I got up and got dressed today. They didn’t see the fight it took to get to that. I told them this.
So now it’s sleeping pills and hiding in bed, and trying to get on while I wait for their assessment meeting on Thursday and then seven working days until I get a letter telling me what they think.
I feel like it’s a continuous circle of people passing me on. I feel like I am letting people down. I am in mad debt, I can’t afford the life I want. I am sick, so sick, of trying so hard, and getting nowhere. But my personality traits mean I keep fighting. Who am I, what am I, and will it ever just get better?
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