Won’t Someone Help Me Please

By Charlotte Edmunds

So today was the emergency psychiatric assessment after seeing the GP due to self harm and what not! Whilst they were delightful, they passed off the fact I got up and got dressed and turned up as a good thing. As not succumbing to depression. And while I am sure it was meant as praise, it sounded condescending. Like, ‘Well, you can’t be that ill – look what you’ve done!’

They said: “Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?” I replied: “A wife and a mother.” Then I realised that’s a trick question, that I see myself alive in five years. I retracted quickly and said, “That’s what I would like, but I don’t see it happening.” I had two people; one was very compassionate. The other was nice enough but I couldn’t bond. I wanted to say so much.

Then it came – hitting me like a brick: so a former diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder may be wrong. It could be a Personality Disorder or PTSD or clinical depression. I’M SORRY –  WHAT? What is wrong with me? I have had three-four months of feeling like superwoman, racking up £23k of debt, and now I am on such a low I have a suicide plan and I self harm. I tell them all this and feel like they are still trying to convince me I am ok because I planned to go to work tonight (I haven’t gone) and that I got up and got dressed today. They didn’t see the fight it took to get to that. I told them this.

So now it’s sleeping pills and hiding in bed, and trying to get on while I wait for their assessment meeting on Thursday and then seven working days until I get a letter telling me what they think.

I feel like it’s a continuous circle of people passing me on. I feel like I am letting people down. I am in mad debt, I can’t afford the life I want. I am sick, so sick, of trying so hard, and getting nowhere. But my personality traits mean I keep fighting. Who am I, what am I, and will it ever just get better?

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  1. Charlotte 26th March 2017 at 11:10 am -

    Its soo stressful isnt it!? I been diagnosed Borderline, they said I need to stay on meds! But what forever! I went and did self referral for CBT! And I’m helping myself! I’m so glad someone understands! X

    • iam1in4 27th March 2017 at 4:34 pm

      how long have you been doing that for? Are you making good progress?

  2. Nicola 26th March 2017 at 8:40 am -

    The thing that frustrates me is the lack of continuity in ‘advice’ from GPs. I know everyone has a different opinion but one tells me I need to come off my meds because I’ve been on them too long (even though they work and keep me on track), another tells me to ignore that because the guidelines are that someone who has more than 3 bouts of depression should be on meds for life. So where did the first GP get his info from? Surely they should all be working from the same sheet?

    • iam1in4 27th March 2017 at 4:35 pm

      it’s infuriating, it makes you think you aren’t always getting professional help but just opinion

  3. Virginie 25th March 2017 at 9:36 pm -

    I know exactly where you are coming from… I have had a psychiatric assessment a few months ago because I tried to kill myself. I feel much better now … sometimes I wonder if I’ll keep fighting though as it never really goes away …

    • iam1in4 27th March 2017 at 4:36 pm

      it never fully goes away but you have to remember you’ve beaten it before and will do so again. Congrats for the progress you’ve made

      • Virginie 27th March 2017 at 9:39 pm

        Thank you.
        I think in my case it will always be with me. I need to learn to accept it. I need to learn to live with it. That it’s ok to have a bad day. Like yesterday! Awful day. But today was great.
        I have all the tools to deal with it but sometimes it takes over, it makes me think things that aren’t true.

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