Ahhh yes Hello, me again. So me and my depression/anxiety/low mood/bipolar : whatever you want to call it are quickly becoming BFF’s again.
I am what some may call high functioning with off days. Whilst I can generally get on with life, I shy away from things that are not necessary in life. My weekly food shop for example ALWAYS done online, the supermarket is not the place for me. If manic, I will spend all I own on things I don’t need, if low – that’s too many people, too hectic, screaming kids, shouting adults, announcement over the speakers, sensory overload all whilst I am trying to think what is it I actually want to eat. Because in fact I feel so empty, I crave nothing. I eat to ease the discomfort in my tummy. Anyway that’s a tangent for another day.
Its currently 6am, I have been awake since 2/3ish despite taking a wonderful cocktail of sleep meds (prescribed and healthy) . Mostly because I was supposed to go out today, and now can’t because the thought of the people, the making conversation, the having to be sociable and playful . My one of three credit card balances got emailed to me, reminding me of my manic purchases. And because bed at night can feel like a prison, yet a safe haven in the day? Maybe because the day is something to hide from, where the night bares all.
Earlier this week I thought I had found some answers, online CBT. I as you can tell find it easier to write, than talk. I had my assessment, She discharged me, said I was too poorly needed a GP and Community Recovery Team, good suggestion. NO! Because its those very people that told me to go to online CBT. My community team is beyond rubbish. This will now be my 4th referral. First time, I was diagnosed, meds plan, few sessions with someone who barely understood me. Then discharged as I seemed OK, second time was when I had a near psychosis event, and it was over the phone and I had to find out from my GP 4 weeks later, they thought I was fine. So she referred me again, I had a face to face assessment with some half bothered support worker (not dismissing them, as I too have been a support worker) but she told me, I was fine, to keep taking my meds and cope. KTHNKS. So now this Monday is the GP, and then the Community Recovery Assessment 10 days later.
I do wonder if its me, I am very good at brave face, professionalism. Maybe this time I should just be raw, no make up, no sleep, my every day self that I am at home, my visible cuts. That I don’t paint over with make up and stylish outfits for the outside world. Maybe I should tell them my very real vivid thoughts on death and finishing everything, just so this hell can stop. Its not what I want. I want to Get Well, but there is only so much I can do on my own. But the other question is, how do I help myself and stop acting like everything is ok when not in the safety of my house, wall down, emotions out, the real me? I’ll let you know how I get on.