By Clara Rose
About two months into my depression, I decided to start writing down my thoughts and feelings. ‘Green Dot’ is a message I wrote for a friend that I would like to share with you. It is a message which explains the thoughts going through my head. It explains that although you are scared and want to speak to someone, you can’t because you don’t feel worthy of their trust or because you are paranoid that they will mock you or not believe you. But from reading back over it, I have learnt how far I have come since I wrote it.
“I see your green dot. And all I want is to talk to you. To tell you how I feel. To tell you what’s going on in here. To know you’re there to listen. To know you’re there to make me better. To know I’m not alone. Because today has been a bad day. Everything’s been a struggle; everything’s been torture. Thinking things that scare me. But I can’t speak to you. Because you’ll get fed up with me. You’ll think I’m being stupid. You’ll tell me lies to make me better. You’ll judge me; treat me differently. But I can’t tell you why I can’t talk to you. So I’m just going to forget about you. Ignore your green dot. Carry on by myself. Because even if you are genuine, I won’t believe it. Even if you do love me, I won’t believe it. Even if you do think I’m the most brilliant human in existence, I just won’t believe it. And then I will hate you for your lies. And although I love you, I would rather lose you and feel grief than feel anger and hate you. I’m sorry this must end, but remember one thing: it’s not because of the perfect you, it’s because of the totally flawed me.”
It has been seven months since I wrote and last read this. It’s amazing how much my thought processes have changed in such a short space of time. I now know that no matter how bad things are, they will get better. I know that no matter how alone you feel, there is always someone there just waiting for you to ask for help. I know that no matter how flawed you think you are, you are perfect in each and every way. And I also know that even though you might want to lock yourself away from the world, that is possibly the last thing you should ever do.
Because there is always someone out there who will love you for you. 🙂
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