Dark Decision

By Anonymous

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder but I’m not going to talk about that. Although things started making a lot more sense, quite honestly I don’t know enough about it myself yet. I’m going to talk about when I was being treated for depression.

I once tried to take my own life. I had been in a very bad episode, anti-depressants were worsening things for me and in a mix of hopelessness and rage decided to end things.
I’d taken over 80 tablets. The last thing I remember is sitting in casualty and then feeling like I was falling with my mum screaming. And then nothing.

Two days later I woke up in intensive care with my mum in tears clinging onto my hand and telling me she loved me. That still haunts me.

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It turns out I had been violently fitting, wouldn’t stop fitting and being sick. I was put into an induced coma and luckily I made a full recovery.

But sadly a lot of people don’t make a recovery and do succeed in their attempt.

People need to start talking about this, raise awareness and stop being so ignorant.

People who commit suicide are not cowardly.

People who commit suicide are not brave.

It’s called desperation and it’s tragic. To be in so much pain you can’t see a way out. It’s okay to talk about suicidal thoughts so you can get help. Don’t be ashamed of seeking help.

Even though depression tricks you and makes you think your loved ones will be better off without you here, I can guarantee they really wouldn’t. Looking into my mums eyes when I woke up in that hospital bed I know for a fact that she would never have been okay if I had died.

My point is never give up. Don’t make that permanent dark decision. Keep on battling and use your experiences to help other people. If you get days where you feel like you can’t battle, get your blanket, curl up on the sofa, watch your favourite film and shut the world out. The most important thing is you keeping yourself safe.

Make the decision to stay alive.

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