I’m still here
I woke up with my husband and parents surrounding my hospital bed. I didn’t understand. I was supposed to die. It didn’t work. Not again. Why?
It all began to go downhill when I stopped sleeping. The thoughts intensified until I couldn’t cope anymore. The only decision was to do what the thoughts said. There was no choice. Nothing was ever going to get better. I was a burden to my family and everyone else who was trying to help. I had no hope. I could see no future. All I could see was further deterioration and I couldn’t face that prospect again. Further depression, hospitals and treatments. No. I had to stop it before it got worse.
Waking up with tubes coming out of every orifice, unable to speak as the intubation tube had damaged my larynx. Too weak to stand. Losing over 7kgs in 3 weeks. Being on constant observations. Having to have people watch me use the bathroom incase I passed out. Wearing hospital gowns and issue socks. Then being transferred to a psychiatric ward.
Shock and numbness
The after effects were awful. I felt as though I was going through the motions. The world was going on around me but I wasn’t part of it. I was abstracted from reality. Nothing penetrated through the exterior. It was as though nothing had happened. I was still me just different.
I am now home and functioning but in an altered reality. Life continues to go on. I’m now inundated by professional support to help me continue to recover. My family have an underlying nervousness and jump at every status update. But I continue to live. I’m hiding nothing.
If I have learnt anything it is this. Mental illness kills. Silence kills. Stopping medication without support kills. Stigma kills. Depression is not my fault. I am not defective. I am a person who is valued and loved. Life continues.
Never be afraid to ask for help. You matter and you are the world to someone. Don’t listen to the lie that you are weak or a failure for having a mental illness. Mental illness makes you stronger than anyone that doesn’t suffer.