Self Harm – not what you expect *Trigger Warning*

By Charlotte Edmunds

Self harm – Depressions evil counterpart

So here I am again. Locked in depression wanting to release. I not a drinker, as I prefer my meds to work and I oddly being sick gives me a panic attack.

I have not self harmed in what feels like years, I deem it to be my teen self way of dealing with emotions I wasn’t equipped yet to deal with.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND SELF HARM IS NOT AN ANSWER. It’s a bit like when you make that super expensive purchase on your credit card, you release a smile an endorphin or three, then REALITY, you have to pay for that. It doesn’t come free. Nothing ever does.

But alas I self harmed, I went to town on my arm with a blade, I am not here to share tips on how to cut, more to deter. The feeling of the rush as you push the blade to skin, there are no words to describe, and you have this moment for 5 mins to an hour or however long. You sit there in the self harm haze I call it. Where you know you cannot undo what you have done. You almost like that its done. You feel you could sleep for a week, because it literally drains it all from you. The blood symbolic of the misunderstood feelings leaving you. But once you use the warm water and the gauze to wipe the blood away, you are left hurt, and not just you. The loved one who has to help clean it, the loved one who has to see it it every time you bare your arm. Its a juxtaposition that’s for sure, the release can be sweet, but the aftermath takes away the seconds of release. I wanted to share this because endorphins can come from SO many other places. All you want to do is project the misunderstood pain elsewhere. You want to take it from an emotion to a physical feeling. And as I sit here somewhat embarrassed my arm is bandaged, I just want those to know, cutting is like a bad ex boyfriend, last a few seconds, makes you feel good, but overall is rubbish.

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  1. […] been 4 weeks since I last punished my own body to release the pain I was in.  My last self harm incident was whilst I was a patient on a mental health ward.  I confessed and handed in my blade a […]

  2. Hannah 24th February 2017 at 10:06 pm - Reply

    So true

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