The blog I didn’t want to write.
I am not entirely sure what it is about depression that makes it come in waves or why when its gone it cannot just stay out of our lives for good.
I am Charlotte, I have Bipolar type 2 – which in less medical speak means my manias are half arsed but my depression is on top of its game. I wont lie – I like the manias albeit not as manic as some. I have energy, I am the life and soul, I don’t guilt myself over purchases or things I do for myself. I am great at work and all round feel fabulous.
But what goes up must come down huh? Yeah well this girl has come down, way way down. But this spell of depression is not normal in its characteristics. Whilst suicide is a very common thought and it is right now, its almost like I cannot be bothered to even attempt it. I just lay here hoping for some sort of answer, I have spoke to 2 GP’s 4 times in one week – their answer : see it through and Diazepam. Won’t lie I prefer the latter. But it doesn’t get stuff done. I am not lazy by nature, I am productive, I aim high, I want the best. But right now I don’t even care that work are annoyed at me. I am literally a floating ball of human body. I eat but nothing satisfies, I drink but am still thirsty. I could go one but you get it.
Now this seeing it through, I know I have done it before, I know there is another side. But there is something so utterly defeatist about being here again. I find myself sitting here wanting a VISIBLE illness. One where someone would say oh take a pain killer, sleep it off. Sleeping is deemed as not trying in depression. I am wallowing so to speak. But I am not. My brain doesn’t work and it makes everything seem borderline impossible, just a walk to the local shops feels like climbing Kilimanjaro.
The best way I have come to explain it is, you can have the shiniest, prettiest car. But if her engine has a malfunction or she has not enough water shes not going to run, Right now I don’t want to run, I want to hide and feel better – the other common misconception “we love feeling like this” Yeah sure this is GREAT!!!!! To round this blog up, to anyone fighting we got this, we just have to embrace the symptoms and do all we can to ease them.