I went through a very violent marriage 8 years ago. I had children by my ex-husband. I have twins who are now 8, and a 7 year old daughter.
I never went to the police about the violence as I was convinced no one would believe me.
My mental health went down hill as I was fighting for my kids in court – we had 39 child court hearings.
We all finished, court things got better, I carried on just taking anti-depressants. Then a year later my ex husband decided to take me back to court. It took me 6 months of battling my demons to go back to my gp and tell him I wasn’t coping once again.
My gp got in touch with our local community mental health team where I was seen within a week. I saw my caseworker who was/is like my angel. I got to see a consultant who diagnosed me with severe agitated depression and severe anxiety and started me on anti-psychotics which took a while to work and play around with the dosage.
I have no family or friends just my boyfriend who became emotionaly abusive towards me. He threw me out on the streets. As I sat there with all my bags and my tablets on a wall, I had the biggest choose of my life to make. My ex-husband had won the court battle and I can’t see my kids till their 16 because the courts thought I was emotionaly unstable due to my depression. No one would listen to me I just wanted my kids back as I know that’s what causes my world to be so empty.
As I sat on the wall thinking and crying all of a sudden my body went numb i felt nothing. I had all my tablets in one hand and my phone in the other hand I had to make a choice of what I can or should do. Every part of my body wanted me to take the tablets. Then I remembered what my mental health nurse told me – ring the crisis team. So I made the scariest call in my life still thinking in my own head as soon as I get off the phone I’m taking my tablets and committing suicide. Who would miss me? No-one.
The bloke from the mental health team came and took me to my nearest a&e unit where I was talked to by the nicest person. She held my hand took my tablets off me and my goodbye letters to my kids. I was so scared. Then came the question I thought I would never be asked in my life. I was asked would I volunteer to go into our local mental health hospital. It was so nice to be offered to go rather than being forced.
I agreed and went in and got the help I needed. Am so thankful of the number I was given off my community team, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here to day.
I still get alot of days where I don’t want to be alive anymore but I know that there are people out there who do care about you and will do there best to get you the help you need.
I always have my numbers if I need them in my purse on my phone and in my pocket.
I owe my life to alot of caring professionals who I can truly say saved my life.
So anyone going through bad times don’t be afraid to ring, it may seem scary to do so and I know how hard it is to do but I can truly say the people who dealt with my problems are true angels.
I have ways to try and control my suicidal thoughts, like listening to music and singing loud. I have adult coloring to do. I have many coping tools which were taught me.
I know with me it’s a battle I am going through but I’m doing it day by day and I know when the feelings of suicide get too much I just need to ring. My story isn’t over and I can thank that to all the crisis team my mental health team and my fantastic mental health nurse.
So please always take the hardest option in life and ring someone for help.
I know I will have to go back into our local mental health hospital again but I am reassured now that they are not there to judge you, they are there to support you. So please people just ask for help. Or if you’re lucky enough, ask your family for help. I couldn’t do that as all my family have turned there backs on me and walked away.
So please please just pick up the phone and ask for help. A list of numbers to call can be found here