This Thing We Call Life

By Taylor Poyfair

I have lots of stories about my mental health. If I put it all in one post, you’d probably be reading for a couple hours. When I first suspected this thing called depression, I brought it up to my parents and they didn’t really listen or help me. When I told my dad I think I have depression, I remember him saying, “It’s the new thing, everyone thinks they’re depressed. You’re not depressed.”

So I denied it at first and struggled with it intensely for four years before I got myself a therapist. And I was good for a while…a few years…then I had one circumstance that set off my major depression and created my panic disorder.

After this one major circumstance, I was hospitalized for three days for suicidal thoughts (mainly because I had a friend who knew me well and stopped me before I almost tried to commit suicide).

Then I had two years of my life that was a downward spiral, I called it my “non-human phase.” I was in and out of the hospital for suicide attempts throughout the two years. It was terrible. I felt terrible and was self medicating to try and cover up/ignore my depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

Then I slowly pulled myself together – got my CNA certification, a job and was responsible for about a year…or I’d like to think so. I’m an actress. And after that one year I moved out to LA because I felt like I was ready.

I got a job and was functioning like a successful adult for 8 months. Then about 3 or 4 months ago I started to slip back into the hole of darkness, anxiety and panic filled days. I’m still struggling and I started a blog recently hoping it would help to write about it and put it out into the world for everyone to see. I was doing so well, I forgot what it was like to struggle to get out of bed, or think of anything or do anything that involves minor stress.

I’ve been dealing with Major Depressive Disorder for 9 years and Panic Disorder for 4 years. I’m getting to the point where I’m more outgoing about my depression and I know how much it helps to hear someone else’s story. So maybe instead of my story just festering in my head, it could help someone else.

I found this site and it’s amazing and a godsend. There IS a stigma around mental health and it needs to be gone. It isn’t something that should be ignored or brushed off. So I thought I’d contribute a tiny bit. I have more on my blog and will continue to post. So check it out if you’d like 🙂

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