The Long Journey

By Mary Jane Millman Sanford

I’ve suffered with depression and emotional borderline personality disorder most of my life. I cried every day, I would get so angry over small things if I planned to do something and I couldn’t because of general life. I would get so angry where I would shout, scream, cry, throw things. If someone let me down I would get so angry and upset.

If I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere I would feel such guilt, think so many bad things of myself. When I was younger I wouldn’t boast but I felt pretty and was happy to take pictures all the time and was so smiley and happy. Everyone would say I was vain and question why I was always happy.

So I went the opposite way, hated myself, every single thing, hated looking in mirrors, hated hearing good things about me, always sad. I could never keep friends as they would say my attitude is terrible, I couldn’t keep boyfriends as I would constantly need reassurance that they wouldn’t leave me, that they really did like me. As much as I got that reassurance it never changed I would still need it seconds later.

I met this guy, he helped me go doctors, he would come to every appointment, talk for me when I needed it, held my hand. I have hit him, beat him up where his stuck in a corner, cut myself in front of him, not allowing him to come near me or I’ll do something, had knifes in my hand to make sure of it. Screamed, cried, and threw things, the lot!

But the fact that I really am trying to get better and its working, those things only happen once every 2 weeks rather than every day, he’s stuck with me through all of that. I do believe his sticking by me but it’s hard I still need reassurance a lot of the time.

I talk to myself out loud telling myself all is ok, I can do this. It’s not true, you know that. Which helps a lot, I write down my feelings. Sometimes even meditate. It all helps it really it just 10 steps forward, 10 steps back…

But you get there, you really just have to congratulate yourself on the real small things.

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