So, here’s a blog I never thought I would write. For those who don’t know me I have suffered with spells for depression on and off throughout my life so far (My early 20s). I am writing this because I realised sometimes symptoms don’t always co-inside with popular belief. People deal with situations and periods of low moods very differently and I believe therefore there are gaps in people’s knowledge and understanding, however I can only speak of my own feelings and experiences.
I see many articles which have a lot of focus on those whom seclude themselves from other people when depressed. Whilst I understand this is a common symptom for many people who suffer with mental illness, everyone doesn’t fall under the same umbrella. I want to speak out to those whom suffer with what I call social depression through speaking out with my own personal story. During my lowest periods, though contrary to popular belief, I become less reclusive and more social. This is because I am very co-dependent on relationships and struggle to be alone.
From a very young age, I was forced to grow up too quickly by being exposed to adult themes at such an early age and at the same time I was bullied throughout school. Even before I got into my first serious relationship. At a very young age, I was thrown into an adult world before I was ready. Shortly after I was entrapped in another relationship for 7 years because I feared being alone and then straight into another relationship and have been tied to a relationship all my life.
Similarly, I have so many friends because I focus all my attention on others, this is because I am trying to distract myself from being alone when the darkness consumes me. For example, after a weekend of partying and feeling completely numb for hours. BAM! An overflow of uncontrollable emotion and trying to hold myself together in public. I try to distract myself with other activities I cannot focus on one task for long when I am feeling low, and when I am down, it can take me 3 days to watch a 2-hour movie because I can only focus on a singular task 15 minutes at a time, because I am ruminating too much.
I hope to spread awareness and show that mental illness does not fit a single stereotype and anybody can suffer from mental illness, and that even the person whom appears very social and happy can be trying to overcome their own internal battle.