I Have A Monster In My Head

By Kelly Gonzalez

I have a monster in my head. He tells me things.

When I get up in the morning he tells me to go back to bed. He tells me I can’t do this, I can’t make it thru the day; why bother trying.

Don’t put on makeup or jewelry or make any attempt to look nice; no one is looking at you anyway. You don’t need a shower; your not going to leave the house, just like you didn’t leave the day before or the day before that.

I have a monster in my head. You can’t keep the house up. You are a failure. The house is out of control. You’re not a good housekeeper and that is your job and your not even good at that. Don’t bother doing anything because you can’t maintain it anyway.

Don’t look at those magazines you get; you can’t make any of those recipes or any of those crafts. Your not going to “change your life” or “Pick up healthy habits”.

I have a monster in my head. Don’t go out. No one wants to see you. See how no one calls you? No one wants to hang with you. You are a liability. An accident waiting to happen. A scene waiting to be avoided. People are looking at you. People are talking about you. The monster wins. I go back inside.

Look at my husband. The monster is there again. I am failing as a wife. I’m added stress to him. Another problem. He’s not happy with me. He wants a normal wife; someone to greet him at the door, happy and smiling with the house perfect, with perfect children and a perfect meal on the table. Its not going to happen. The monster wins again.

Look at my child. I’m failing as a mother. I can’t be there for her the way I want to be. I’m not the PTA mom, the soccer mom, the “perfect” mom.

I’m the mom with the monster in her head.

He wins. I lose.

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  1. Boss Man 23rd February 2017 at 11:57 pm - Reply

    Great job explaining how this illness feels. I’m sure it is very hard to deal with on a daily basis, and that you doubt everything everyday.
    But… please, please,please,
    Do not forget to recognize
    The days the Monster is sleeping and frees you from his grip. The day he walks away from the cage he keeps you in and forgets to lock the lock allowing you some freedom.
    I hope you can find the courage to allow you to write a blog like the days you are free so you can look back and remember what it felt like. It’s important for the soul to remember!❤️🙏🏼

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