Well a segment of it anyway. Lately I’ve been blogging, getting my feelings down, about my battle with BPD.
I don’t give everything, every little thing that happened nor how I feel, away but I wanted to just get this out.
It’s to do with one of my triggers that still haunts me even after 28 or so years ago after it happened!
Do you remember the year of 1987? When the Australian Soap ‘Neighbours’ was on screen? The episode with Scott & Charlene getting married? Now, do you remember the song that was playing?
It was ‘Suddenly’ ~ Angry Anderson.
After 28 years I haven’t heard it much played on the radio, and sometimes I find it and play it to torture myself, but anyway when I hear that song I break down…every time.
I cry, no I don’t cry, I never cry, I sob, I sob uncontrollably, I break down, I tremble, I can’t breathe, my heart breaks all over again, my hands shake, and I’m like that sometime after it has finished playing.
That song is the main song trigger for me, I do have lots more that make me cry due to difficult, emotional times but this is the one which gets me every time.
I was abandoned in 1989-90, can’t remember exactly when but I was left, broken, and I was never the same again, the song was getting a lot of airplay at the time when this happened and so when I hear it, it reminds me of being abandoned once again and all the feelings come flooding back.
Still after all this time it turns me into that girl again, broken, left, my heart in pieces, and I feel all those things like it was happening at that very moment in time.
I have tried switching it off if I know it’s coming on, or ‘try’ and get through it by listening to it, nothing helps, I’m still broken…..