My journey with depression started in my early 20’s.
I am not sure what triggered these feelings, just that I started to feel lost.
Lonely. Without purpose.
I started to suffer with crippling panic attacks on a daily basis; breathlessness, chest pains and dizzy spells. It was a visceral feeling of being dragged downwards by a relentless weight.
I was completely consumed with fears surrounding my own mortality and I had no sense of SELF.
Between then and now I have had four serious bouts of depression resulting in my taking medication, being signed off work and attending counselling sessions.
Last year in June when I was 20 weeks pregnant I had a breakdown and I have decided to share my experience of the last 12 months of my life.
This may not be helpful in terms of other people conquering their own demons; but my experience may resonate and create a (artificial) sense of ‘togetherness’ in a journey we each ultimately walk alone or at least serve as a means of preparation for the metaphorical hoops imposed by an imperfect and overloaded mental health system.
I have written this in three parts starting with the events leading up to my breakdown then moving into the point where I accepted that I needed help and finally the longer term therapeutic relationships I have entered into.
Due to the nature of my account I have decided to remain anonymous. This is not due to my personal feelings but once this information is shared in the public domain it is there forever and while I have the mental fortitude to cope with that, I am not confident that if my sons should stumble across this account when they are 15/16 that they could view this objectively.
This is an honest account of my experience and not necessarily an uplifting read. However personally I wish I had been better prepared for the events that would be set in motion before I entered the system as I experienced feelings of loss and rejection each time I moved on to a new professional or service provider. I hope this account makes it easier for others undertaking their own battle with depression.

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